I wrote a poem once about a boys pretty green eyes. Those thoughts still linger in my brain everyday since I wrote that poem. I was 14 and so fascinated with the idea of first love. I wanted to taste it so bad. I wanted it too consume my soul.

Now at 24, all I want is too feel a true warmth. I’m always hot or cold.

My physical self is always so hot, I burn at every movement, every action. It’s like my body is always on overdrive.

My mind is always so cold, my thoughts send my soul into a permafrost. My brain is wired to receive nothing but coldness.

I’m always fighting two temperatures. I want a touch right into my thigh that balances me. I want a kiss that feels like 5pm sun on my cheek. I want a conversation that feels like a lifetime in 1 minute.

I have a cynical shell. I view the world as a challenge. It helps to think that maybe there’s a reason no one has ever looked at me with warmth. Honestly, my soul is just sad with the constant thought of missing something.

What the poem has taught me how simple love can be. I feel in love at 14 with green eyes and those made me feel warm.

Maybe I need to start looking at a simple explanation to love. Maybe it’s just enough to love the idea of love.

I love you love.

02/12/22 12:16 am

you called me beautiful.

Falling

I think the first time I realised I was falling for you was when you were wearing that baby blue jumper.

You looked so soft, you’re eyes glowed when I told you that you looked cute. My heart felt like that 6pm sun on the ocean.

I remember touching the jumper and feeling the soft touch of the wool. It felt my hand was wrapping around your heart.

You’re such a warm person. When I’m around you I feel so hot it’s overwhelming. My skin burns and makes my body shudder.

Honestly I’m so scared of how much the little things you do make my entire existence break apart. Each touch, each kiss every movement means something. You’re words paint a picture in my brain that drain into my dreams.

Dear god, if you’re listening make this real. My soul has been yearning to find something like this.

I truly don’t think I’ve ever met someone who makes the waiting so worth it. Every cry I had in my room since I was 14 for someone to call me beautiful was so worth it, if he can be mine.

I know the risks, but for the first time in my life I need to let my heart feel warm.

assault

a word I never thought would be so much in my orbit

this last year I’ve finally began to understand what that means.

when I was 16, I was sexually assaulted.

my assault isn’t black and white, I don’t actually remember it

for 5 years I’ve been lying to myself, telling myself it was nothing because it wasn’t. I actively got myself in that situation

but now I look back and what 16 year old sitting in some car with some older man, whose face you can’t even remember was demanding these sexual acts and you didn’t say anything.

you just did it. 

why, I’m not sure, I was lonely, everyone had had their fist love and all I had was the burden of my sexuality. 

I don’t even remember saying yes

all I wanted was to be loved, I tried so hard to find that in sex.

instead I welcomed 5 years of sexual trauma into my life. 

I’m haunted to this day.

I can’t look at my naked body in the mirror without feeling disgust

I can’t imagine even falling in love anymore

I couldn’t ever see someone waiting to touch me for love

I wanna heal 

and I think i need to say out loud

Samuel Marchant was sexually assaulted. He was groomed at 16 by men to perform sexual acts, when he didn’t even understand what consent was and since then he has never done anything sexual without the influence of alcohol or drugs. 

All he wants is to repair himself sexually.

I hope I can feel whole one day.